Placebo
by Boys Should Kiss Boys More
Summary: . "Tell me, we both matter, don't we?" .ZaDR.AngstyFluff.Inspired by Running Up That Hill by Placebo. R&R please. UNBETA'd


Dib flashed Zim that always sad and understanding smile. It made Zim's blood boil; it made him confused; it made him want to kiss and kill Dib simultaneously.

Dib wouldn't say a word when Zim fucked something up. When he forgot an anniversary, when he hit the human. Anything. Zim had always known, but the effect and extent the Dib's loyalty went to was beginning to scare him.

Dib would just pat his shoulder ever so lightly, muter an apology himself, before turning away and acting like nothing ever happened.

Zim wanted to scream at Dib. For the human to be violent with him like he always was. No, like he always had been. That violence. That passionate rage that ha once burned inside both of them now fell one-sided.

At least, that was the only conclusion Zim could draw.

-

Dib forced that smile; he couldn't let his lips curl in joy, and he could not let them waver in anger or sadness. All for the sake of Zim he persevered, biting back every nasty remark he had willing saved up over the years; every time Zim smacked him across the face for yet another foolish reason, the anger bubbled just to the back of his throat before he forced it back with a noisy swallow.

And as he turned away from his supposed-to-be boyfriend, the uncommon tears would prick his eyes dangerously.

-

Every time they got into a fight, Zim was too confused to bring it up, and Dib didn't want to disturb the peace they attained at this point. And so the cycle would repeat itself.

-

"You useless sack of water!" Zim screeched, throwing down another piece of Irken technology as Dib demonstrated his all too curious side. The black haired human froze, his hands trembling.

"Don't call me useless Zim!" Dib yelled back, his eye black and bruised, the injury clear as day as Dib lifted the industrial protective mask. Zim paused, entranced and disgusted by the bruise.

"Dib.. Zim knows he did not hit you that hard." Dib's hands immediately rose to tenderly touch the area around his eye.

"N-no.. This isn't from you." Dib turned away, motioning to the now discombobulated piece of equipment before him. A strong, three-fingered grasp brought them face to face again. "Zi-Zim! Don't worry about it! It's nothing, really!"

"Only Zim is allowed to torment the Dib." Dib was suddenly caught between crying from the pressure on his face, and laughing at Zim's cocky but caring statement.

"R-really-"

"No, Dib. Do not 'really' Zim again. His is not the first time you have showed.." The Irken seemed to search for an appropriate word. "Signs that another person has been touching you."

Dib didn't speak as he processed Zim's slow sentence.

"Are.. Are you trying to saying you think I'm cheating o you?" Zim gave an unresponsive shrug, but his eyes were nodding. "You.. You have the balls to think that?!"

The outburst startled Zim, and before the Irken could properly prepare himself, he was on the ground, behind shook by the paranormal investigator.

"You.. You bastard!" Dib choked out with sobs racking his whole body. "I've given everything to you! I let you take me captive so that you could get rid of Earth!" Zim had no time to even mention that he had meant it to be a saving. "I.. I let you use me for your anger! And sexual f-frustrations!" Dib had stopped shaking Zim; his arms going weak.

"D-Dib.." Zim's voice wavered in confusion, hurt, and guilt. He chewed the inside of his cheek as Dib rested, panting heavily on his lap. "Dib, who did this to you?"

"Like you care!" Dib spat, his tone edging hysterical.

"I do, Dib. Please."

"No! You.. You always told me you love me! Then you turned around and smack me in the face!" Zim's nonexistent eyebrows furrowed.

"Dib, you of all people should know that I am not overly affectionate unless I truly want to be. I do love you," he raised a hand to stroke Dib's tear stained face, trying to ignore the flinch it provoked. "I regret that I hit you. But does the Dib know what I regret even more?"

Dib swallowed nervously, letting Zim sit up and wrap him in a gentle hug.

_You don't want to hurt me._

_But see how deep that bullet lies._

"I regret that I have reduced you to this weaker state." Dib looked like he wanted to open his mouth, but he refrained. Zim growled, low in his chest. "I.. I hate that you.. You are afraid, Dib-love. Even I can see that. You are scared of what I will do should you face me."

"We-well.."

"Do not deny such accusations. This is my fault; you are perfectly innocent." Dib blushed, his eyes watering again. He leaned into the touch as Zim gently wiped his eyes. "I feel like a monster."

"You're not a monster, Zim."

"Then what happened to the time when you would yell at me, and we would banter endlessly over something romantically trivial?" Dib gasped under his breath; Zim's tone was serious, and his breathing was increasing. He had never once said so much, so many powerful words in one sentence.

"I.. I don't know." Zim pulled the human closer. The Irken was softly whispering now, and Dib felt calm as the sweet breath clung to his neck lovingly.

"I do." Dib shivered as Zim massaged small circled into the dip of Dib's back. "I.." Zim fought for the words to explain the guilt that was crushing his chest.

".. Zim.. Please look at me." Zim raised his ruby eyes, a soft frown mellowing his features. "I.. I love you. No matter how much you hit me. Or yell at me.. I know I will always love you."

"And I, you, Dib-"The human shook his head, signaling he was by no means finished.

"I hate this."

This caused Zim to let out a soft whine.

"I don't want to love someone like you. I don't want to feel hat elation when I can know it's you hitting me, and not someone who truly hates me. It kills me to know I'm no different from anyone you know, because even if you say you love me-"

"I do Dib! Do not doubt my loyalty. I hit you because I am as worthless as I make you think you are." Dib raised an eyebrow. "I.. You are one of the most intelligent beings, human or otherwise, that I have had the absolute pleasure of meeting." Dib smiled softly again.

"Same here," Zim smirked, nuzzling the side of Dib's face sweetly.

"I do not deserve the Dib."

"No.. But I think I'll give you another chance." Zim perked up, in confusion.

"Can you so easily forgive me?"

"I've forgiven you for everything.. Like I said… I love you. And.. Even though sometimes I may hate you with every fiber of my being." Dib bit his lips, a sheepish and frightened smile adorning his pale face. "I.. I don't think I'll ever get over you. Besides, I think this is the first time in a long time that you've admitted you're in the wrong."

Zim smirked, squeezing Dib closer. "Mhmm..." he hummed, kissing Dib's neck sweetly. "But.. Dib, please tell Zim who did do this to you?"

"… I don't actually know him.." Zim's face flushed with irritation, but by the calm way the claws stroked his back, Dib smiling knowing he was in the clear. "Well.. Okay.. I do." Zim shot him a disapproving, half-hearted glare. "It.. It's Mr. Dwicky.."

"What."

Dib looked away. "Well.. I just needed someone to talk to.. So I contacted him through the MPGU a while back.. We talked sometimes, but then he said he was visiting Irk.. So I agreed to meet up with him."

Zim growled, but still hugged Dib close.

"He.. the first time he tried to kiss me.. I got him to back off, but he slapped me too. It just all went downhill from there," Zim was positively furious. His claws were protectively stroking Dib's back. "We.. We never did anything sexual. But he beat me. It was a lot worse than anything you could ever do."

"Why did you go keep seeing him?"

_And if I only could_

_Make a deal with God_

_And get him to swap our places…_

"Because he was easy to talk to. Before he'd beat me… We were always able to talk. I was able to vent about how much I loved you, and hated loving you. He always tried to convince me that I was better off with him. I'd always tell him no.." Zim nodded, understanding his love's uneasiness.

"You will not be seeing him again, Dib-love." Dib's scythe wiggled as he leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Zim's neck with a broad smile.

"Of course not,"

"Any problems you have with Zim you will discuss with Zim." Dib nodded again, leaning forward to gently bring their lips together. Zim pulled back first, with a smile soft enough to match Dib's.

"…" Dib's face again contorted with unease.

"Dib, speak." Zim commanded gently.

".. This means the hitting will stop, right?" Zim wanted to laugh, but knew that is could only worsen things.

"Yes. And the unnecessary yelling. And anything else Zim has done wrong." The Irken was mildly startled by Dib shaking his head yet again.

"If you were perfect, I wouldn't love you."

_You, be running up that hill_

_  
You and me, be running up that hill_

_  
You and me won't be unhappy._


End file.
